"Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch-spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"

"I wanna quit the gym!"

"I wanna quit the bank!"

"You big tree..."

"How you doin'?"

"Wax the door shut. We're never leaving, ever."

"We were on a break!"

"I'm not great at the advice...can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"I tell people secrets, it makes them like me."

"[name] doesn't share food!"

"Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children....the personal ad writes itself."

"Well I couldn't tell her I was naked. She's allowed to see me naked."

"Why does anybody have to be naked?"

"Because, sometimes after you sleep with someone, you have to kill a fish."

"Are you sure you peed on the stick right?"

"It's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!"

"No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside!"

"Oh my God. You still have feelings for me, don't you?"

"In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!"

"Whoa, whoa, kindergarten flashback."

"Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback."

"Awww. Oh no, wait a minute. I have no one!"

"I have no idea what's going on but I'm excited."

"I'm so excited I may vomit."

"Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches."

"It was 18 pages. Front and back!"

"You're my lobster."

"Stick out your tongue."

"Take off your shirt!"

"Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey."

"You know what they say, ask your slippers a question...you're going crazy."

"Did you see the kid on that nose?"

"We saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window."

"Crossed the line? You're so far past the line! The line is a dot to you!"

"I know they call this a loveseat, but I'm not feeling anything special towards you."